I always start off strong with a goal. This summer my goal was to lose 20 pounds, cook for myself and practice new recipes, be happy all the time, go camping, go hiking, spend more time with friends....I was able to do a little of everything but I haven't accomplished anything to a place of satisfaction for myself. I was able to lose a little bit of weight (not much at all), cooked and baked, had some pretty happy days, spent a good amount with friends....but I am the girl who always sees things where the glass is half empty.
I don't know where this pessimism started, I remember being like this since some of my earliest memories...but I don't like this trait. I have some amazing friends who are always happy, always perky and excited about life...sadly it drives me nuts because I can't be that way genuinely..I have to fake it to keep up.
I would love to be excited about things and staying motivated but I tend to lose steam after a little while.
This leads me to this blog idea, seemed so exciting at first. I had a list of things to write about, and a goal to write every other day at least...it's been over a week:) Classic Sav.
Right now, what I need to do most is focus on my really weak staggering faith. I love the God that I've always loved, but my life doesn't prove that much. I've grown to hate church, the Bible is a go to only in desperate measures which is so sad as that is our spiritual food, and I don't talk about my lacking experiences with the Lord to anyone...
I'm not out doing horrible things, which I have run into some people who definitely give me the sense that they were hoping to see me a mess, but my passions are lost and that breaks my heart. I wanted to be a missionary for so long. When I was 13 I had this season in my life that was so amazing. It was the most real experience I have had. From that point on I was convinced I was to abandon material possessions and move to Africa where I'd live out my days loving people and serving them.
Today that sounds exhausting.
My tank is empty, or at least really close to empty and I need to fill it back up. My life will never feel fulfilled if I don't give God the room to fill it. He is the only source of true joy, peace, and happiness. He is the only source where I find true contentment in any state of life.
My frustration, bringing me back to goals, is that as much as I am well intentioned to dive in and go for it, I let every little distraction get in my way from knowing God in an intimate way. I'm always "too tired," busy, disinterested, or thinking that something I did was "good enough" to satisfy my need for spiritual nourishment.
I have come to hate myself for becoming a passive and apathetic person. There is so much life has to offer, and so much God has to offer through this life...He is life. How do I get back to the simplicity of this and never let it go!?
My prayer is that Jesus would be in control, that my heart would and mind would be softened, and that any conviction coming my way, I would remedy it immediately. I pray that I would learn humbly how to be a wife that supports and lifts up my husband. That I could love my family through every annoyance I struggle with, and that forgiveness would come so easily to me with compassion and grace right along side it...I want to walk in Christ's footsteps...the sacrifice is worth it...this life is not fulfilling otherwise.
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