I've come to the understanding that more days than not are going to be awful as I learn the ropes of figuring out how to be alone and be married at the same time. I NEVER thought this would be the life I would live...if you asked me 5 years ago what I was going to be doing in five years it would have been soooo different than what I am doing now and who I am now.
Today was fine, nothing went wrong, unlike the evil Monday I experienced a few days ago. My car broke, I had to cancel work to try to fix it, the birthday package I spent a ton of time on to send to Ben for his birthday got returned to me for no real explanation, and the day was just bad all together. Not like today. Today was fine.
I woke up after 8 hours of sleep, enjoyed my morning routine getting Zooey up and snuggling with her for a bit...(My furry daughter). I had good intentions to eat really well! I worked and didn't want to pull my client's hair out of his head or throw his coffee mug against the wall. I went to Costco, put $40 into my husband's truck (because MY car is stupid), got some yummy fruit, hung out with a friend, I ate pizza....
So I feel bad that days like these "suck." I know all the right words to say, all the "right" things to do, how to act, choose joy, etc. But even when I do that, because I actually try really hard to be genuine in my attempts, days like today still come where it feels like a heavy wet blanket and a gray cloud is over my head. I am reminded that I am alone...I chose this...I said I could handle it...even on the days where I feel so supported and I am leaning on my God...I still get these overwhelming senses of complete loneliness.
I can't deny it, I get jealous watching other couples...they get to be together all the time. They got to spend their first year of marriage together and have their fights face to face and actually get to make up with a real hug. I love hanging out with my friends, and my married friends are so fun, but I totally envy them...What's the point in pretending I don't? God knows it, I know it, and now the reader knows it. When I see them and how much fun they have, that they get to be together nearly everyday, they don't have to always be subconsciously prepping for the next long separation, it makes me sad and makes the loneliness feel so much worse. Like I am at the bottom of a well, you know...like Desmond, in LOST season 6. I just finished that show, it was so stupid.
When days like these happen I tend to hold onto my daily/weekly literature a bit more tightly...I have a couple devotional books with very well applied Scripture, I read my Bible, although not nearly as much as I think I should be reading it...I still have that whole mentality that I should read like 5 chapters a day....
I call my friends, go for runs, eat comfort food but only small amounts because that's dangerous, play with Zooey...but mostly, I go to bed as early as I can get myself to so that I can sleep the rest of the day away and hope the next day the wet blanket gray cloud is gone.
It's hard to explain, I know this sounds like a pity party, kind of is, but it's not a glamorous life...and I am figuring it out still.
Boob.
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