Today Sucked...For No Apparent Reason

I've come to the understanding that more days than not are going to be awful as I learn the ropes of figuring out how to be alone and be married at the same time.  I NEVER thought this would be the life I would live...if you asked me 5 years ago what I was going to be doing in five years it would have been soooo different than what I am doing now and who I am now.

Today was fine, nothing went wrong, unlike the evil Monday I experienced a few days ago.  My car broke, I had to cancel work to try to fix it, the birthday package I spent a ton of time on to send to Ben for his birthday got returned to me for no real explanation, and the day was just bad all together.  Not like today.  Today was fine. 

I woke up after 8 hours of sleep, enjoyed my morning routine getting Zooey up and snuggling with her for a bit...(My furry daughter).  I had good intentions to eat really well!  I worked and didn't want to pull my client's hair out of his head or throw his coffee mug against the wall.  I went to Costco, put $40 into my husband's truck (because MY car is stupid), got some yummy fruit, hung out with a friend, I ate pizza....

So I feel bad that days like these "suck."  I know all the right words to say, all the "right" things to do, how to act, choose joy, etc.  But even when I do that, because I actually try really hard to be genuine in my attempts, days like today still come where it feels like a heavy wet blanket and a gray cloud is over my head.  I am reminded that I am alone...I chose this...I said I could handle it...even on the days where I feel so supported and I am leaning on my God...I still get these overwhelming senses of complete loneliness. 

I can't deny it, I get jealous watching other couples...they get to be together all the time.  They got to spend their first year of marriage together and have their fights face to face and actually get to make up with a real hug.  I love hanging out with my friends, and my married friends are so fun, but I totally envy them...What's the point in pretending I don't?  God knows it, I know it, and now the reader knows it.  When I see them and how much fun they have, that they get to be together nearly everyday, they don't have to always be subconsciously prepping for the next long separation, it makes me sad and makes the loneliness feel so much worse.  Like I am at the bottom of a well, you know...like Desmond, in LOST season 6.  I just finished that show, it was so stupid.

When days like these happen I tend to hold onto my daily/weekly literature a bit more tightly...I have a couple devotional books with very well applied Scripture, I read my Bible, although not nearly as much as I think I should be reading it...I still have that whole mentality that I should read like 5 chapters a day....
I call my friends, go for runs, eat comfort food but only small amounts because that's dangerous, play with Zooey...but mostly, I go to bed as early as I can get myself to so that I can sleep the rest of the day away and hope the next day the wet blanket gray cloud is gone.

It's hard to explain, I know this sounds like a pity party, kind of is, but it's not a glamorous life...and I am figuring it out still.

Boob.

JBLM

Anyone who is from WA has always been aware that McChord AFB and Fort Lewis are just a part of our state.  We knowingly or unknowingly drive by them all the time.  Well, for anyone who has not been informed yet, the two are one now...they are joined together and it's one big dysfunctional family!

When Ben and I met I never in my 24 years of life set foot on either base.  He took me on base for the first time not too long after we started dating and I was SCARED.  He didn't know that because he thinks I'm just so cool and calm, but my hands were sweaty.  Anywhere that I have to go through a line and give my ID and people have guns, I always think I'm going to get arrested for something I don't remember doing.  Customs is my only real example....and going to court to fight a parking ticket, which I won, if you cared to know.

After "acting natural" and making it through the front gate, I felt like I was in a world inside a world, like the Truman Show.  There was restaurants, houses, a grocery store, banks, gas stations, shopping, gyms...everything you needed..You never needed to leave if you didn't want to, and if you were ok with some of the really stupid clothes they have in the BX you never needed to go to a mall...that's their version of a department store, Walmart, Target, etc.

It's a whole new experience.  They even have a golf course and camp grounds to go camping and jump in American lake...who knew!?

Well, as time went by and Ben got me 30 day passes here and there so I could come see him with my own vehicle, I became more confident in that I truly am not a fugitive and the people at the front gate could care less if I go through or not.  I spent time "site seeing" what is to be seen on base, getting to know his work station a bit, and enjoying the dorm life before we got married and moved in together.  I was an outsider but I was learning to become a part of this vast community.

After getting married and getting my own stickers to my own car and a military ID I have ventured onto the base a bit more.  Doctor appointments, gym time, bringing snacks to Ben when he's at work, it was all fun!

I felt like I made it into a secret club and I was special to get on this base that I once upon a time never cared to see.  Though I hate driving out there and chancing seeing people I don't care to run into, it's actually pretty cool when I go, plus no tax is really nice, especially with the not so awesome paychecks...it's like going to Oregon but not wasting all the gas to get there...(Oregon is cooler though)

I've always had a bad taste in my mouth when it came to military people.  For all of us civilians in WA who have experienced the obnoxious, offensive, disrespectful young boys and girls that think they are men and women because they wear a uniform and they made it through basic and tech school, we've been tainted with a false idea of what the military is.  I always said if that's who is fighting for my freedom then we aren't safe.  I was wrong, these people regardless of their immaturity or not go overseas to fight our battles for us and many never come home...Now that I face the possibility of that, although my husband chose a pretty safe military career (THANK YOU JESUS AND BEN), I respect them so much more and hope and pray for these people to find their place in life and live it to the fullest.

  I have come to my peace with it....Humans are humans, no matter what title they claim or who they say they are...at the core of us all, we have the same tendencies of being complete fools...and young military men in general, they have a lot of growing up to do and let's be there to help them do that, instead of bad mouth them and leave them to their own demise.  Those out there that say "it takes a village" usually are the first to eat your words and not help out when needed, and these people need help and direction.

I always had that thought in my head that military wives were these overweight, non-working, stay at home mom's who think they are entitled to their spouse's paychecks and really nice TV's in a base duplex.  While I have met A LOT of them, there are way more of the really awesome, helpful ones who are in the exact same boat as you.  We are learning the ropes, we are here to help and support each other and not cause issues, and we work our butts off take our jobs seriously whether that be at a work place or being a stay at home mom, or both!

(Now after that 3 paragraph rabbit trail I will continue on topic)

So stepping on base has granted me some new eyes to see.  While the military has a reputation for a reason, because of the flaws, it's a pretty cool structure...and even though I am not the most patriotic or politically driven person and would rather cut off my arm than pay taxes or let the government tell me what to do, I have been humbled to see and meet these men and women who sacrifice so much to protect this country that hasn't necessarily treated them all that well.

We have it good for sure, don't get me wrong, but when you break down the finances and benefits etc of a military family, they make WAY less than the civilian counterpart...it is a sacrifice to choose this line of work, and when you meet the men and women who do it for the RIGHT reason, you realize the sacrifices are very real.  I'm happy I met one and he believed in me enough to make me his life partner...he saw I could handle the battles and the pains that come with this life even though I still doubt it, but now we get to go at it together.  He really changed my mind about what the military is all about.

P.S.  that doesn't mean I won't kick and scream sometimes when it seems to ridiculous and too hard to handle...I'm still learning.  So if you hear me say I hate it...just hug me and get me a cupcake :)

Starting a Little Late

Well, it's definitely been some time since I have gotten to writing.  I had an epiphany while "pinning" in my Pinterest account that I should probably start working on writing down what I am learning and going through as a brand new USAF wife.  

For those who don't know me, I'm Savannah :)  I got married to a hotty-po-totty last November on the 26th, 2011.  I met the man, Ben, on my front door step on December 8th, 2009 after texting and emailing a bit...yes....taboo....we "met" online.  I always tell people we met in a bar...because that's where we went on our first date...it's easier to start from there because you don't get a bunch of questions/comments like, "Really!? Were you scared!?  I wouldn't take you for someone like that.  I'd never do that it's just so weird, I feel like I'm shopping for a husband or something...  I would just rather meet like they did in the old days."

Things like that make it feel a bit shameful, but really the more I think about it, it doesn't really matter how we met.  I am just glad we did!

Well we are 4.25 months into our first deployment as "The Perry's," we got to have the "married life" for about 5 months before he left one early April morning.  Boo.  It's 6 months long, which is actually really generous of the military to allow it to be this short.  BUT if I hear someone tell me, "Oh that's not bad then!  At least you don't have to go as long as the other branches do."  I will punch them.  I salute Army, Marine, Navy, Coast Guard wives...All of you!  You blow my mind, but we are all military, we all face deployments, possible injury or death, and a future full of unknowns, and we have to do it together, division makes this life sooo much harder than it already is.  Anyways, I digress.

Ben and I, we are an odd duo, but a lovely one.  Seeing how we met first without seeing each other or even being in each others presence for a few weeks, it's funny to me that I have had several days this deployment where I felt like I'm gonna die if I don't see his face or hear his voice!  I have done a overly large share of gut ball sobbing, worrying, picking zits, eating massive amounts of sugar, and being borderline insane.  With just a little under 2 months left to go I am hoping a miracle happens and I become the perfect cookie cutter wife that smiles all the time and is always happy...But let's be real.  HA!

There are so many things I want to write about.  I will figure out how to categorize later, but here is what my future writings will be about so far-

~Stepping foot onto a base for the first time even though I lived right next to it since I've been in the womb

~Meeting the Commander of my husband's squadron and his lovely wife

~My encounter with the stereo typical "military wife" X3

~My goals to accomplish on this deployment and the failures I've achieved so far!

~The bomb that got dropped on me that we are moving to Japan in April

~Figuring out how to schedule exercise, full time RN school, reintegration of my man back into my life

~The do's and don'ts I have learned about deployment...the hard way.

~Other things that don't necessarily involve the military at all!! :)  

As for right now, I just want to say thanks for stopping by!  Thanks for reading, and hopefully some fun friendships will develop from my rantings :)

Toodles~